sleepy day.

i just have a feeling of uncertainty. doesn't feel right and i don't like it. i would do what you ask me to if you tell me you've already started ur search.

sleeepyyy day. but fun at the end (:

i just know

i am positive. its not the fact that you care so much and i know you care alot about me. its not the fact that you're the most kind person that ive ever known. its not the fact that you do everything for me even if ... its not the fact that you take care of me its everything included.
i don't think theres anybody out there like you. i should search rite? but i promise you i won't find anybody else. i read back every message i have and i saw things going from really good to downhill bad. i don't dare to erase anything. its memories of what we had. i won't be able to let go. i may be a lil naive or i may seem like a child but it is perfectly clear to me. crystal clear and i don't mind if you dont believe it but as long as i know it myself thats fine with me.

understanding.

i must learn to cope. cope with the stress , the sadness, the anger, and the hurt. because no matter how frustrating it gets and how sometimes it feels like theres no way out, i would do it over and over again until everythings right.

my last wish for happiness

i just needed to be reminded once it awhile, because i would do it over again.

jst venting.

so now i guess ur able to talk to them rite? what does this mean!? you said you weren't. you don't really? you think i don't know rite? well i do. its not the fact that you can't, its the fact that you were reluctant to tell me. but thats fine. its even now. what ur doing is wat im doing. i just tell myself that its ok. w/e happens would have happened anyway.

conflicts.

when are things ever going to be ok? things are different. way too different. you used to worry bout my health, schoolwork, etc until im ok. but now its like why are you doing this and how did you get like this. instead of things you used to say. i made a mistake. and jst because of that one mistake there isn't anything anymore. so don't blame me for not talking to you or w/e it is because its just too hard to bear, at least rite now. im trying to be as strong as possible, but iono i can for long. that day will come. and im just sitting not being able to do anything until it happens. it won't be long.
i plan to never be where i am now, lost, miserable, emotionless and numb. this is worse then before. and if you can't tell the pattern its only going to get worse. i won't put myself in this position every again.

my goodbye

it just hurts. really hurts. i couldn't even do anything. i couldn't even try. it was like sitting on the bench of your own game. you really wanna try hard to win. but you just can't. but the problem was worst. its jst like if u were blindfolded and you can't see whats happening. so how can you help? i was blinded. im so mad at myself that i had to chance to change everything. i was just this close to get what i've been dreaming of and getting it back but it was like i blew it w/o even knowing. how can i be so careless. all i can say now is goodbye. my hope is all gone. within a second.

something better.

wow todaii was one of the worst days ever. yesterday was already a bad day and todaii another one? todaii i happened to lose something that was important and i thank janice and sandy for everything. if it weren't for them, i would have been screwed. it was one of the most frightening time for me those few hours. and every minute and every second they were there to walk me to my house, walked me through the negativity and walked me through until the end. it was hope tat i wouldn't have had if it weren't for them. i felt i owed them everything. and i needed to. this had a happy ending.

until wen it came to 7 o' clock. everything went downhill. i wish it was different. i wish that there isn't any problems in general. just the way it was before but way better. things changed. at least some things. it feels like nothing happened but its jst the fact of wat we're labeled. but other than tat its jst the same as before but not way better.

frustration

i don't like it when ppl think they know what imma say, when they think they know what im thinking, and just think they know when actually they're wrong bout it. i wouldn't hate the fact that if ur right bout it all but if you're completely wrong and i say its not like that and you decide that you know its true. i would really blow up. the truth obviously comes from me rite? so how can i be wrong wen i decide what is true and what is not? i am independent to an extent. at a given point i might just lose it. but the point as exceeded farther than i imagined. i can deal with many different things on my own that you thought i wouldnt have in the past. but thats the past and rite now its the present. i learned to deal with things that were much harder because i had to. relying on others is a burden in my opinion. but at times i do really need someone.

hehes my shy best friend is sooooo adorable (: ur welcome for techniquely yesterday. (:

self doubt

idk what to do anymore. what if things sort of change. what if it changes the fact that you wouldn't be there anymore and you've chosen a different path. is that why you made it very clear that you never asked me to do what im doing? i can't stop something thats going to change if i don't know whats going to happen. what if i do, and it doesn't end the way i want it to? what if this whole time you already know that it would never happen knowing that fact that theres a big chance things could dramatically change for me in a few years? are you relying on that? i wonder if theres nothing left and i proved the fact that it hasn't changed at all like i said it wouldn't, will you decide to take that chance again? when you do finally find the answer and have chosen what you want in the future i hope you'll tell me. even if its either good or bad news. i still want to know. life is about risk. but should i take this one or should i walk pass it and never turn back?

blank

i was right. todaii was just a regular day. i don't know how to accept the fact that its different now because i simply don't know whats so different bout it. i like how it is now but theres one thing that isn't there. just a hole with nothing in it.

tomorrow

well tmrws the day i've been waiting for since the last month. but this time things have changed. the only difference is tmrw is not acknowledged like it's used to be. it became jst a regular day and nothing special about it. is it ok to break apart just one more time at least?

todaiis a normal day. it was sorta cold & not so hot at the same time.
what i don't understand bout the situation is that what did i do wrong?
i plan to give the benefit of the doubt and just let it be. however it'll be.
if its chosen to be like it is then fine. i hope the lesson will be learned soon and to be able to see that fact that maturity plays a big role.

overall: an awful day

a happily ever after & a sad ever after

everythings soo great and yet everythings so messed up. it doesn't make sense. im so happy one day and the other not . its just that one thing missing. i believe that its worth to wait and see the future. i understand things now that i didn't before and i wished ive seen it sooner. "because i want you there" is all i need to keep my day going. a week going. even a month. it shows a great deal that i haven't lost anything. let alone my age w/ not one speck of maturity in me. maybe even on grain might even make it better. but patience is what i need to gain and strive for what i want. and maybe things will go the way i see or it won't. life can't always be about what you want. il be happy or eventually happy about what might happen next. if not il learn to accept it for the sake of your happiness. after all its not just mine that i need to protect.

idk.

i look forward to every single weekend like everybody else. but i used to have a different reason than others. but now it doesn't seem like i have anything to look forward to anymore except the fact that maybe just maybe i would have a chance to see you maybe less than a few hours if im lucky.i used to look forward to weekends cause i know i would see you. it makes me happy but now im not even sure. my question is why now? y did you choose now to be tired of it. am i too overdated now? is there no need for accompanying since now you've found others to help you fulfill w/e you needed? because i know that back then it wasn't like that. you looked forward to see me too. just like i did. but now zero hours doesn't seem to matter at all to you...